1 post tagged “hurt”

I am in it.  Right now.  Way in it.  I am in the hole at the bottom of the pit.  I am in the bell jar.  Everything is wrong and upside down.  At first it was numbingly painful.  Like, it hurt so much, so deeply,  I had no room for any other feelings.  So now it hurts a little less and I have this over whelming desire to do nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  It's everywhere.  The pain is in the library, at the supermarket, at home, at work, in my car, the inescapable pain trails behind me, looms ahead of me, and lurks in corners waiting to jump out.  I have always prided myself in my ability to mostly get over "stuff".  Especially trivial stuff.  I have not been able to trivialize this situation no matter how hard I try.  I think perhaps he is not the one for me.  I try to convince myself that I don't want to be with a guy who does not have goals, telling myself that he will remain mediocre.  Apparently my love is blind to this.  Where as previously my standards dictated that only someone who is an achiever could win my heart, I fell in love.  So this is love.  and this is a broken heart.  I only wish I hadn't discovered them so close together.  He told me there is no in between.  There is no try, only do (really, who quote yoda, oh wait, I did).  I retorted with "life isn't black and white, there is gray".  He told me he was starting a black and white only movement, for the eradication of gray.  I am not angry.  Not even a little.  Only hurt.  So hurt.  I sit on the couch and one of his worn shirts is here, I can smell him.   Isn't it funny how even if you live together the person has a smell?  To me that smell is home.  I have crashed on quite a few couches lately, and the only thing I can think of is the smell.  It is not home, it's all wrong.  When I come back to grab my things, I wrap my arms around him for a hug and suddenly I can breathe again, as if I had been sufficating in air and smells, suddenly everything is ok.  Why is love so crewl, so wicked.  My insides have been torn apart.  I tried to find comfort.  Just hold me.  It's not the same.  All I could think about was how these weren't HIS arms, this wasn't his touch, his eyes, or his smell.  All I want is to go through this with him.  ::sigh::  You give what you get and you get what you give, I suppose..